“Whether or not you are at the beginning, going through it, or recovering after infertility treatments, trust that owning your story is the way through it and back to you”
This is our story, our beginning.
Not really sure where to begin. This is my first ever blog. I have been through a lot in my life, and I am a person that does not like to keep things in. I express my emotions. I let them out. Everybody is different. Everybody’s Journey is different. I came here mostly for a vent to express all my feelings, to not boil them up inside. I started reading infertility stories and blogs, and realized a few things. Some helped, some made me cry more, but it didn’t make me feel so alone. Me and my husband are the unlucky 15% of couples that struggle with infertility. So this is our quest and journey to parenthood.
Today I had my appointment at my OBGYN and my lifelong fear on infertility became a fact when the doctor slid me the brochures for IVF clinics. We have only been trying together as a couple for 7months, and yes this is early compared to most couples I realize this. But I have known from day 1 this would be a challenge. I just felt it in my gut, I knew something was wrong, and we would need additional help. Rather than waiting 1-2+ years like other couples, I seeked help sooner rather than later. A little background on us- I have had heavy, irregular periods all my life. I originally went on the pill due to my periods. The doctors had warned me at that time that my periods may be an issue in the future with fertility “we will cross that bridge when we get there” My mom had infertility struggles as well. I have been estranged from my mother for many years, and have always longed to become a mom. I always wanted to give a child that love that I always craved and seeked for. I could be a great mom, I know I have so much love to give. Flash forward to my time off the pill, I had some concerning symptoms. Tried the IUD, no such luck; my symptoms persisted (pain with intercourse, heavy irregular >35 day cycles, and continuous negative pregnancy tests despite tracking my cycle and fertile window and ovulation kits). My husband has a history of infertility with a previous partner (>1yr of trying with not conceiving- which is the standard for a diagnosis), and he was sent to Urology to determine if he is a factor. He got some results that made natural conceiving more challenging. So with all of that, here we are today. My doctor felt we had enough to get referred to IVF and we didnt need to wait 12months, and I got slid those pamphlets which sunk deep into my heart.
I mean I knew this day was coming, I could feel it; I had a deep feeling in my gut, that knew we would need additional help. But still; its hard to have your fear become a reality. I managed to hold it together while at the doctors, it took everything inside of me, I made my follow up, and then went out to my car and balled my eyes out. I felt like less of a women, I couldn’t provide a family for me and my husband. Why couldn’t this come natural to me like so many other women. I see women out there that don’t want children or are pissed that they are pregnant. I hear so many women complain about there pregnancy. I understand it’s not always great being pregnant, but it is a gift, it is a living growing miracle inside of you that not every female is capable of having. I know I am not alone, and that helps. Don’t get me wrong, I have many close friends around me with young children, and I genuinely am happy for them, and love their children dearly. I am in no way jealous of them, just with every pregnancy announcement is devastating. Not because I am not happy for them, but because I am sad for us. I see that look on my husband’s face that boyish grin when he thinks we may be pregnant, and he sees that one line of the stick, or the doctor comes out and says “you’re not pregnant”– I see that boyish grin disappear. It breaks my heart every time.
There is a large part of me that is ANGRY. Why me, why us? D would be such a caring, compassionate Daddy. He has so much love to give. In his past relationship they had tried, and when that relationship ended, he came to terms with “always being an uncle. I came to terms with I may not find a partner to share a life and family with.” He was ecstatic when we met and fell in love so quickly, his chance of being a dad was so close. Another part of me is SAD. For what if our day to biologically have our own children will never come. We are actually both on board with adoption. Prior to our infertility journey, we were pretty open early on, for it was something we both wanted. My husbands best friend growing up is adopted, and I have always had a special place for children in the system, and wanting to love them all. I think it comes back to my challenging relationship with my mother. While I did have a good upbringing when I was young, I know the feeling of being unwanted and unloved by a parent. Therefore I would love to show a child that blood doesn’t always make a family. We will adopt, we will be parents, but we both do long for our biological children, not that our adopted children would be any less of our children. I just selfishly want to have that special bond with my husband. I want to give him babies. I want to see that ‘so in love, boyish grin’ on his face the day our miracle baby comes into the world. Another part of me is FEARFUL this will be the thing that breaks us. Infertility has been known to destroy relationships, it can be very waying on a couple. I know how badly we both want this, and we will conquer this together just like we always do. “Going through years-long infertility struggles is not for the faint of heart. It can either make or break your marital relationship. Make the determined commitment that no matter what happens, you and your husband were…and are a couple first.” The other part of me feels HOPEFUL and STRONG. Hopeful. We are in the best area in the country for infertility. I’m hopeful we will find the perfect doctor for us who will help us along this emotional rollercoaster that is infertility. We will be victorious, and we will get our miracle with 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. Strong. I have conquered many things in my life; the good, the bad, and the painfully ugly. It has made me the woman I am today. I have battled 2 parents with mental illness and addiction. I graduated from nursing school (first in my family to go to college- couch surfed for a portion of it; left everything and everybody I knew to move across the country to start my own journey- met my husband and moved back to where I came from to be closer to a network for us, a support system for raising children. If it weren’t for my incredible friends along the way, I may not have made it to where I am today. Most of my life has been a battle. The only thing that came easy to me was from the moment I met my husband I knew he was my forever. He is my soulmate, we will make it through this journey. I will remain strong and get through another battle in my life. I came out of all my battles as a warrior. This is my next battle. This will not defeat me– or us. I will be open about it and continue to talk to others. Allow women, and men, to express their feelings. The world is so hush hush about fetus/infant loss and the struggles of infertility. We are not alone. You don’t realize how many people struggle until you talk and open up. This is our journey– our baby battle. Our quest for our miracle of 10 little fingers and 10 little toes and an adorable “Dr.Jones” nose.
Let it begin…