The Journey Begins

“Whether or not you are at the beginning, going through it, or recovering after infertility treatments, trust that owning your story is the way through it and back to you”
This is our story, our beginning.

March 2018

Not really sure where to begin. This is my first ever blog.  I have been through a lot in my life, and I am a person that does not like to keep things in. I express my emotions. I let them out. Everybody is different. Everybody’s Journey is different. I came here mostly for a vent to express all my feelings, to not boil them up inside. I started reading infertility stories and blogs, and realized a few things. Some helped, some made me cry more, but it didn’t make me feel so alone. Me and my husband are the unlucky 15% of couples that struggle with infertility. So this is our quest and journey to parenthood.

Today I had my appointment at my OBGYN and my lifelong fear on infertility became a fact when the doctor slid me the brochures for IVF clinics. We have only been trying together as a couple for 7months, and yes this is early compared to most couples I realize this. But I have known from day 1 this would be a challenge. I just felt it in my gut, I knew something was wrong, and we would need additional help. Rather than waiting 1-2+ years like other couples, I seeked help sooner rather than later. A little background on us- I have had heavy, irregular periods all my life. I originally went on the pill due to my periods. The doctors had warned me at that time that my periods may be an issue in the future with fertility “we will cross that bridge when we get there” My mom had infertility struggles as well.  I have been estranged from my mother for many years, and have always longed to become a mom. I always wanted to give a child that love that I always craved and seeked for. I could be a great mom, I know I have so much love to give. Flash forward to my time off the pill, I had some concerning symptoms. Tried the IUD, no such luck; my symptoms persisted (pain with intercourse, heavy irregular >35 day cycles, and continuous negative pregnancy tests despite tracking my cycle and fertile window and ovulation kits). My husband has a history of infertility with a previous partner (>1yr of trying with not conceiving- which is the standard for a diagnosis), and he was sent to Urology to determine if he is a factor. He got some results that made natural conceiving more challenging. So with all of that, here we are today. My doctor felt we had enough to get referred to IVF and we didnt need to wait 12months, and I got slid those pamphlets which sunk deep into my heart.

I mean I knew this day was coming, I could feel it; I had a deep feeling in my gut, that knew we would need additional help.  But still; its hard to have your fear become a reality. I managed to hold it together while at the doctors, it took everything inside of me, I made my follow up, and then went out to my car and balled my eyes out. I felt like less of a women, I couldn’t provide a family for me and my husband. Why couldn’t this come natural to me like so many other women. I see women out there that don’t want children or are pissed that they are pregnant. I hear so many women complain about there pregnancy. I understand it’s not always great being pregnant, but it is a gift, it is a living growing miracle inside of you that not every female is capable of having. I know I am not alone, and that helps. Don’t get me wrong, I have many close friends around me with young children, and I genuinely am happy for them, and love their children dearly. I am in no way jealous of them, just with every pregnancy announcement is devastating. Not because I am not happy for them, but because I am sad for us. I see that look on my husband’s face that boyish grin when he thinks we may be pregnant, and he sees that one line of the stick, or the doctor comes out and says “you’re not pregnant”– I see that boyish grin disappear. It breaks my heart every time.

There is a large part of me that is ANGRY. Why me, why us? D would be such a caring, compassionate Daddy. He has so much love to give. In his past relationship they had tried, and when that relationship ended, he came to terms with “always being an uncle. I came to terms with I may not find a partner to share a life and family with.” He was ecstatic when we met and fell in love so quickly, his chance of being a dad was so close. Another part of me is SAD. For what if our day to biologically have our own children will never come. We are actually both on board with adoption. Prior to our infertility journey, we were pretty open early on, for it was something we both wanted. My husbands best friend growing up is adopted, and I have always had a special place for children in the system, and wanting to love them all. I think it comes back to my challenging relationship with my mother. While I did have a good upbringing when I was young, I know the feeling of being unwanted and unloved by a parent. Therefore I would love to show a child that blood doesn’t always make a family. We will adopt, we will be parents, but we both do long for our biological children, not that our adopted children would be any less of our children. I just selfishly want to have that special bond with my husband. I want to give him babies. I want to see that ‘so in love, boyish grin’ on his face the day our miracle baby comes into the world.  Another part of me is FEARFUL this will be the thing that breaks us. Infertility has been known to destroy relationships, it can be very waying on a couple. I know how badly we both want this, and we will conquer this together just like we always do. “Going through years-long infertility struggles is not for the faint of heart. It can either make or break your marital relationship. Make the determined commitment that no matter what happens, you and your husband were…and are a couple first.” The other part of me feels HOPEFUL and STRONG. Hopeful. We are in the best area in the country for infertility. I’m hopeful we will find the perfect doctor for us who will help us along this emotional rollercoaster that is infertility. We will be victorious, and we will get our miracle with 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. Strong. I have conquered many things in my life; the good, the bad, and the painfully ugly. It has made me the woman I am today. I have battled 2 parents with mental illness and addiction. I graduated from nursing school (first in my family to go to college- couch surfed for a portion of it; left everything and everybody I knew to move across the country to start my own journey- met my husband and moved back to where I came from to be closer to a network for us, a support system for raising children. If it weren’t for my incredible friends along the way, I may not have made it to where I am today.  Most of my life has been a battle. The only thing that came easy to me was from the moment I met my husband I knew he was my forever. He is my soulmate, we will make it through this journey. I will remain strong and get through another battle in my life. I came out of all my battles as a warrior. This is my next battle. This will not defeat me– or us. I will be open about it and continue to talk to others. Allow women, and men, to express their feelings. The world is so hush hush about fetus/infant loss and the struggles of infertility. We are not alone. You don’t realize how many people struggle until you talk and open up. This is our journey– our baby battle. Our quest for our miracle of 10 little fingers and 10 little toes and an adorable “Dr.Jones” nose.

Let it begin…

 

the one where we had our baby boy, Logan Edward IVF#3

It’s been a while, so much has changed. I’m going to make multiple posts on top of each other to get caught up. Back to the place of my prior post. –November 2021

We were two weeks out from my miscarriage with IVF #2, The same week I thought I could keep it together went to work and totaled my husband’s car that morning days before Thanksgiving. I felt like a failure, Didn’t feel like I had much to be thankful for that year. But I humbled myself took multiple deep breaths looked around, And while my womb was barren I saw my beautiful husband and beautiful son, And I knew no matter what he would be just fine. We went to New York post my miscarriage I just need to get away. My period wasn’t due for another week or so. And there it was the decision… Do I call and say it’s cycle day one or do I give it some time. We were visiting a close family friend essentially my husband’s second mom. She had so many so many miscarriages prior to having her children. She gave me such words of wisdom  how about loss and strength I don’t remember the words now but I remember being so profound that I immediately called up my clinic and had a conversation. My period was so early would it even be worth it. Is my cycle so messed up so I should wait. They informed me that you’re more likely to getting pregnant after a miscarriage. I said sure sign me back up, What would I even do I’m in New York how would I get medication. So they sent me the initial medication to a local pharmacy in New York City. So We walked and walked because it is New York City, to get My medication. I remember being so emotional during that entire cycle. The doctors were even worried that my chances of conceiving again we’re becoming low they did assisted hatching with this embryo, I didn’t ask for it but I remember looking at the embryo being like why does it look different. He explained, and I was thankful. Then I got to the two week wait and I was a mess I was all over the place; I think I had already told myself it was going to fail. And then one of my very close sorority sisters pointed out something so meaningful to me.

One of my very best friends in college, She was actually my “big sister” in my sorority, She passed away unexpectedly from an unknown heart valve disorder at the age of 31 when I was 6 months pregnant with our son, Lincoln, I actually collapsed The night I found out at work, I was 23 weeks 6 days pregnant. I remember being so scared that I might lose my son I remember thinking how is she gone I remember looking up at her and praying, please let this baby boy be okay. Her name was Laura and she was a nanny for a living, She genuinely loved children and was one of my biggest cheerleaders while we were struggling to conceive. I remember thinking I can’t wait till Lincoln is here and she can be our nanny and then she can have kids and we can be moms together. Then She was gone.

So there I am in my 2 week wait, talking to one of my sorority sister’s, Rachel. She goes omg Lauren I just got chills, What day did Laura die. She died on January 5th, 2020. I got inseminated on January 5, 2022. I remember when I had my miscarriage I looked up at her memorial card on my fridge, And I said I just sent you an Angel baby for you to love and care for, If you’re able to please send me an earth baby for me to love. I like to think that’s what happens with all the lost babies, It gives me peace and hope. So when I realized I got inseminated on the day she died 2 years later I got chills in my spine. The embryo stuck and when we got the due date of September 23rd only 10 days after her birthday of September 13th, I knew she had some play in the cards, I liked to think Laura had sent me our beautiful baby boy. He was born on September 17th with so much love and joy, a lot calmer birthing experience than with our first son. It was me, hubs, my nurse, his nurse, and the midwife. That’s it, I remember saying are you going to get other people. When Lincoln was born there was a room full of people, and all in covid gear to boot. It went off without a Hitch and he came out beautifully, 20 in long 7 lb 13 oz of pure perfection, I remember looking up and thanking Laura. After 24 hours we were all home as a family of four, with our doggies and our beautifully loved baby boy, Logan Edward with 10 little fingers 10 little toes and an adorable Dr. Jones nose.

The one where we lost our beautiful embryo.

November 2021

So we last left off at my 2 betas 1.5 and 5. Welp beta hell continued, I continued to have uptrending betas 16 was the next one on Monday morning. I got told yet again could be ectopic, but too early to tell. Tuesday night I went to work, and I started having some mild bleeding, and my mind began to wonder. Then I started having excruciating abdomen cramping diffuse thru my whole lower abdomen, and I feared the reality, this was happening. I told my boss, and immediately left work, I told my husband what was happening I layed on my heating pad which immediately felt better and we fell asleep holding each other tight. I bled that night, and woke up in the morning to a saturated pad. I stood in my bathroom, and bled all over the floor. In that brief moment, didn’t think too much just told myself it was AF. But when I went to go pick the blood up off the floor, I scooped up this very large piece of tissue; thick, meaty, veiny tissue, and knew exactly what it was. I had just had a miscarriage. I think I had told myself if it had been in the toilet it would have been easier. I picked it up off the ground, and stared at it in a wipe, and didn’t quite know what to do with it. I placed it in the trash, and just cried nonstop for the next hour or so. It hit so hard, like a brick, there was our baby. It was trying to become more, and for whatever reason, it wasn’t able to grow any more. I went through the day basically numb, loving on my son that much more, but completely numb to what had just happened. Didn’t help that Thanksgiving was the next day. We had family over, and I found myself pretty deep into the champagne. My husband was beyond amazing, and took complete control of the cooking, and allowed me to just be that day. It was a good day, but again I was just going thru the motions. The next day my best friend and her boyfriend came over, and I was pretty much a zombie. I was a shell of my normal self, just numb. I don’t think I even let myself feel that day, and again cried some more in the evening. Saturday, I tried to I guess bury it, tried to do things to cheer myself up, and make myself ok to go to work. I worked that night, and I think I seemed fine, I was able to channel it. I then was talking to a coworker before leaving that morning about what had happened as she is another IVF warrior, and had suffered a miscarriage earlier that year. I called my husband on the way home from work as I was getting sleepy, and mentally just not in the greatest situation. As I pulled off the exit for home, I turned to take a left, and crashed into another car deeming my husbands’ car undrivable. I honestly couldn’t tell you what color the light was or that there was another car coming towards me–I was mentally checked out, and on autopilot. That’s the scarier part, I don’t really recall prior to the event. I had to call out that night too, and here we are Monday morning. I am letting myself fully feel all the feels. I am taking care of me while I talk to insurance companies (ugh!). This loss has definitely been excruciatingly painful, and as a wife and a mother, it is so hard to just pause and take care of you. So while I cant just stop life, and take care of only me, I am taking moments and a few hours here and there to help myself heel.

Onto IVF #3 on our quest for #2. We wait for our ice ice baby with his or her 10 little fingers 10 little toes and adorable “Dr. Jones” nose.

Our Journey to 2, IVF #2

November 2021

I told myself recently, I have got to get back into journaling. This really helped my soul with our Journey for Lincoln. Honestly I was naive. Lincoln was our first IVF (after 6 failed IUIs) and I was assuming I just needed IVF, and Id be good. Welp I was VERY wrong. Our 1st IVF for IIB (Ice Ice Baby) was early August, right around same time as Lincoln. This embryo was also a 4AA (best grading), welp my Hcg was 3 (goal is at least 50-100), and repeat was 1.8. They wanted me to come in for a 3rd beta as they need the number to be <1. I explained this is already so excruciating, we all knew I wasnt pregnant. Each time I have to back its like ripping a scab off a wound thats trying to heal. I had to take that month off anyway because my doc was on vacation, so I chose to not do that and let my body run its course. I simply said no all set, I will call you when my period comes.

This time around, I put in all the effort (same as we did with Lincoln). I got a massage, chiropractic, yoga, accupuncture, and I was meticulous with my vitamins and supplements. I was concerned I wasnt pregnant this time around either because I felt so normal. We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary this week, so I was totally hoping the odds would be in our favor. This embryo is 4AA also, supposedly I make good embryos, why wont they take. Why does my body keep failing me. My first Hcg was 1.5, your joking me right. For reference, Lincoln was like 170ish and then 300something on the 2nd beta. Again they said they need it to be <1. Well AF is due to show in 2 days, so I wanted to start up again right away, so I bite. Ill get another test since its the only way to get insurance approval. For sure next one will be less than 1. Welp 2nd beta was 5, still not viable for absolutely anything, but technically positive. They are saying I could potentially have an ectopic, but its too early to tell. I need to go back in Monday for another, but for sure this will delay me from doing another cycle. SO now I watch for the ectopic symptoms, and pray that “beta hell” as they call it doesn’t last too long. Each time I have to go in for a pregnancy test knowing its not positive is the most gut-wrenching feeling ever.

Not to mention, I have to find sitter coverage for my son last minute every time, for like a 5min lab draw. When I was struggling with him, I definitely saw children at the clinic, not a ton, but I saw them. Basically it was recommended and encouraged to get a sitter, but we all understood sometimes you cant. Well I brought Lincoln with me a couple weeks back for a quick lab draw, id be in and out. He had swim down the street right after, and I simply couldnt make the timing work for everything, and I pretty much got shunned when I walked in the door by the people that worked there. “You cant have him in here.” Ok Im super sorry didn’t realize rules had changed, but Ill be 2 minutes, and I cant get my lab drawn if he cant be here, I dont have anybody to watch him. They just kept drilling into me, while I tried to simply ask how important that lab test was that they needed. And a man in the waiting room with his wife, a dad, stepped up and offered to wheel him around so I could get my lab drawn, so kind of him. I think all of us in that waiting room understand the struggle. I get not bringing him in, trust me I weighed everything. I get the struggle of not being able to conceive and you showing up for a failed test, only to see someone walk in with a kiddo. I get it. I do take some comfort in knowing that child is most likely conceived thru fertility and that gave me hope. But since I was basically shunned, and NOW there is signs posted on every door, NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. It makes it that much harder. This whole process is so infuriating, and so tasking on every part of your life. You get sucked right back in life a vortex.

I am so beyond greatful for my son, hoping we can provide him a sibling, but if we cannot, itll take sometime, but Ill be ok with that. We have our perfect boy, and it does make this process easier having him here. This week when I got the news, he saw me crying and gave me a big MAMA kiss and hug!

This is our journey for 2, our ice ice baby (frozen embryos) with 10 little fingers 10 little toes, and an adorable “Dr. Jones” nose.

(Laterpost) National IVF Day

July 2021

Kind of appropriate… as we embark on our journey to your sibling…
Our journey to you was far from easy. With twists and turns and an ultimate Rollercoaster ride. 1 failed surgery 6 failed IUIs and 1 very successful IVF with our sticky embryo, the most active fetus in the womb, the most active and determined full blown toddler. I will never forget the day we finally found out you were in mommas belly we have never been so in love and so content we love you so much Lincoln Joseph. Thank you for finally making me a momma!!
As long as Im living, my baby you’ll be.
Onto our ice ice baby, lets pray the road to your sibling is a little easier. To any other IVF warriors out there, I hear you! I am open ears to anybody who needs it

(Laterpost) Our baby boy turns 1!!!

Our baby boy is ONE today!!!! This year has been the best year watching you grow! We couldn’t be more in love and so proud! After this crazy life of a year and not being able to shower you while pregnant, it was nice to be able to celebrate a day for you safely with some of our closest friends and family you ate HALF of your smash cake you crazy boy! Thank you for giving me a reason now to forever have a different kind of love for mothers day! My mothers day gift last year… the long awaited YOU!!! Today we went to the zoo, and you basically wanted to hang out with the goats! Your cup is so full after today! We love you handsome

(Laterpost) Disney 2021

April 2021

We just had the best long weekend in Disney with our little man. Mommas cup is so full its bursting!! Watching your face light up with all the amazing things to see will last a lifetime!! You are so resilient and you were as amazing as an 11mo old could be. Your personality has absolutely blossomed. One morning you had an entire restaurant waving bye to you as you left. You leave a memory everywhere you go. Watch out world.

(Laterpost) Nobody said being a mom was easy, but its my favorite.

January 2021

The days are long sometimes so long, but the years are short people tell me your crazy for working night shift and then staying up all day with him, how do you do it. This kid right here thats how i do it. I wouldnt have it any other way. I may be super exhausted some days of the week, but this lil boy keeps me going. I longed to be a mom for all my life, and my struggles made me long harder. I dreamed for the days of tiredness when the only thing that gets me thru is those momma hugs i wasnt guite sure id ever get it. i wasnt sure id ever hear a child say mama directed towards me. Perhaps I’d always be an auntie. I wasnt sure but id hoped id be the one to dry your tears. All this makes me not want to miss a single minute. We have our help i can for sure take naps if i need it, but id rather spend time with my husband and our son in these short years! They’re only little once right so again after working a very tough night shift, here i am continuing my day with you…. after my bubble bath. We love you so incredibly much baby boy

To all those who continue to struggle to get your babies, i hope your storm ends and you get to your rainbow on the other side of that painful bridge. Or if your storm has ended and you didnt get your happy ending. This does not define you. You are strong and you are a warrior. I am an open ear an open book if you need a friend

(Laterpost) NYE 2021

January 1st 2021

This year’s ball drop caused me some extra emotion. Not because I wasn’t happy to see an end to this tough year our entire universe has faced. I am not blind to see the effects of 2020. I am a Frontline ICU Nurse. I know far too closely how damaging this year has been. This has been a hard year for us all. But for me, for us, 2020 will always be my favorite for one main reason. After years of struggles years of pain years of hope and praying, we got our miracle baby. During a snow storm in May during a global pandemic, in true fashion. The world blessed us with our most precious love Lincoln Joseph. And his year of birth is over, and this made me sad. Made me tear up a little. so this is bittersweet. 2020 gave us you!

(Laterpost) Xmas 2020

December 2020

Your 1st time meeting Santa because of the virus he was behind glass, but he knocked on the glass to say hi to you you also loved your first time @bass pro

For the longest time all I wished for as a Christmas present was 2 pink lines, and now I have you, and I am content for the rest of life!!!

(Latepost) Papa Joe Finally gets to hold you <3 Covid 2020

October 2020

After 7 months of seeing my dad thru a window or 6 ft away. After him conquering covid, and being so secluded. I finally got to hug him, and alast he got to hold his grandson. This moment was so precious i will always treasure this. Lincoln bounced on your lap as you sang him an Irish song, just like you always did when I was little